I know deep inside that this wouldn’t have worked. You would have eventually left me and left without trace and that would have hurt me more than I dare to imagine. But I still loved you with everything I had and now that you have left me, it is no consolation at all that it wouldn’t have worked. I want it even if it has no chance of working. I want you so badly. Now you have left and I look for you on every corner that I turn. I wait for your call, it doesn’t come. I wait for your beautiful face to come right in front of me looking with those lovely brown eyes. But you won’t come. And I won’t go anywhere. I can’t find you. I can’t see where you went.
On words and meaning.
Words..do they really mean anything at all. They seem merely hooks to brings up certain emotions, so only emotions have any real meaning. There is such widespread use of supposedly deep words that they are constantly losing more meaning for me. One says tragedy and one doesn’t even know what it really means to experience that emotion..it is a touch of life that you would never want for anyone, if you have experienced it, and most certainly you would never talk about it. That experience obviates any need for the word..the self becomes so utterly speechless..because one gets this sharp realization that nothing you say or do is ever going to be able to even scratch the surface of the meaning of the word. It is truly heartfelt. Just like heart break. That intense absence of love inside is beyond anything that one can explain. It would only be a disservice. To that crystal of experience. The very absence of joy, like a chasm inside which aches. One moves to more meaningful questions. Why is it that one loves but is not loved back? Forget everything in the exterior. Just pure emotion. Why is it that ‘it’ is never sufficient to keep together although other things are perhaps even less sufficient. What part of ‘I feel very very close to you’ is not able to touch you. I am at a loss. When I say something it seems it doesn’t mean as much as I want it to. When I don’t say anything I still want to say that I love, deeply. Feel my touch. Is that not sufficient to know what I mean? Then I want to know how can I mean anything…
Fallible but Infallible
You know that there is something not right about you
You learn and change vigorously as you can
In the hope that the wrong will go away
And you see the mirror when you get close to some
They get irked and alienated and scared by you
Then you realize that the wrong is still there
But you also feel hurt when it is spelled out.
What is it that you wanted changed
Your desire to be good is at odds with your being
that you already are good
And then you retreat into a shell
Like a hurt cat licking her wounds
In that moment of vulnerability you wish
if only there was someone who could
give you a sympathetic pass
a brush of love and forgiveness
if only for the moment, until another arrives
you could be better
nicer
calmer
loveable?
But there is no second chance in this cruel life
you get to taste your own cruelty
even if yours was abstract and verbal
life has it very real for you
And yet again there is no loving place to go
no one to embrace and ask something for
they have all left, she has left
you are standing still in emotional time
its a desert of gentle desires
with not even a mirage this time.
The ache within doesn’t subside
although it comes and goes like a tide
there is an abyss now which can never be filled
You have to walk on as if it doesn’t even exist.
You and me.
You tell me you don’t love me any more
And you don’t want to cheat on me
But you are there for me always
And want to be friends
I don’t know what it means
coz you don’t even want to see me
don’t want to talk to me
but you say I am nice, that its a problem with you
I want you to tell me again that you loved me, atleast then
but I can’t find you, can’t see you, can’t touch you
I want your warm touch just once
to soothe my soul
to console
but you are so far away
and never want to come close
I love you and I miss you
how do I live without you
even if you have to go
part with some kindness
I am starving here for just a little gentleness.
Warm and cold.
I felt something gently flew into my room. It went right across, I could see it moving from my bed. A bit translucent and with some sparkle. I got out of bed and looked for where it went but couldn’t find it. I went to the kitchen and saw a girl fiddling with some food. She looked back at me with the look which said she had always been there, so what am I surprised at. I bent down to take a closer look at her and suddenly had an urge to look at myself. So I looked down at myself and in the very moment of turning my head down I thought there was a smile for me so I looked back up as soon as I could and she was gone. I felt a wispy breeze move fast my face, warm and cold. I stood there for a long time wondering what had happened wishing for the sparkle to come back before I woke up. It was truly surreal.
quiteblue 