I know deep inside that this wouldn’t have worked. You would have eventually left me and left without trace and that would have hurt me more than I dare to imagine. But I still loved you with everything I had and now that you have left me, it is no consolation at all that it wouldn’t have worked. I want it even if it has no chance of working. I want you so badly. Now you have left and I look for you on every corner that I turn. I wait for your call, it doesn’t come. I wait for your beautiful face to come right in front of me looking with those lovely brown eyes. But you won’t come. And I won’t go anywhere. I can’t find you. I can’t see where you went.
On words and meaning.
Words..do they really mean anything at all. They seem merely hooks to brings up certain emotions, so only emotions have any real meaning. There is such widespread use of supposedly deep words that they are constantly losing more meaning for me. One says tragedy and one doesn’t even know what it really means to experience that emotion..it is a touch of life that you would never want for anyone, if you have experienced it, and most certainly you would never talk about it. That experience obviates any need for the word..the self becomes so utterly speechless..because one gets this sharp realization that nothing you say or do is ever going to be able to even scratch the surface of the meaning of the word. It is truly heartfelt. Just like heart break. That intense absence of love inside is beyond anything that one can explain. It would only be a disservice. To that crystal of experience. The very absence of joy, like a chasm inside which aches. One moves to more meaningful questions. Why is it that one loves but is not loved back? Forget everything in the exterior. Just pure emotion. Why is it that ‘it’ is never sufficient to keep together although other things are perhaps even less sufficient. What part of ‘I feel very very close to you’ is not able to touch you. I am at a loss. When I say something it seems it doesn’t mean as much as I want it to. When I don’t say anything I still want to say that I love, deeply. Feel my touch. Is that not sufficient to know what I mean? Then I want to know how can I mean anything…
Fallible but Infallible
You know that there is something not right about you
You learn and change vigorously as you can
In the hope that the wrong will go away
And you see the mirror when you get close to some
They get irked and alienated and scared by you
Then you realize that the wrong is still there
But you also feel hurt when it is spelled out.
What is it that you wanted changed
Your desire to be good is at odds with your being
that you already are good
And then you retreat into a shell
Like a hurt cat licking her wounds
In that moment of vulnerability you wish
if only there was someone who could
give you a sympathetic pass
a brush of love and forgiveness
if only for the moment, until another arrives
you could be better
nicer
calmer
loveable?
But there is no second chance in this cruel life
you get to taste your own cruelty
even if yours was abstract and verbal
life has it very real for you
And yet again there is no loving place to go
no one to embrace and ask something for
they have all left, she has left
you are standing still in emotional time
its a desert of gentle desires
with not even a mirage this time.
The ache within doesn’t subside
although it comes and goes like a tide
there is an abyss now which can never be filled
You have to walk on as if it doesn’t even exist.
Me
Have you noticed that pain is relieved by more pain? I especially mean emotional pain. Once something starts disturbing me I kind of get more immersed into thoughts which make it severe. I try to feel it in my bones. Deeply. Trying to find out the real meaning and implication of the pain and it makes me hurt more. I have thoughts which are even more sad, with hypothetical play in mind of the possible things to come and possible reactions to it. So to say, I hurt myself more, even more, like some mental pushing towards what is hurtful but close to me. And when I try to get out of it, that’s the moment I realize I cannot let go. The moving away feels much more empty, its the pain which seems more desirable, something which gives me any sense of identity, of being, at all. Sometimes I feel I will never get out of it. Like my life would be spent in the misery that I am in, pulling me in, slowly, towards a very dark place which I don’t know what it is. And I take refuge in my work which has become so dear to me. Gives me a zen inside. But also raises the possibility of an explosion sometime down the line. A time when I would want respite from work and a breath of fresh air but there would be no air for me to breathe in. I myself would have taken away every wavering straw giving me any hope. I have shunned them, I have tried not to be, so completely, that I wouldn’t know who I am or even whom am I supposed to turn to, for just a tiny bit of closeness, for a soothing word or a warm touch on my face, an embrace of world dissolving power. There will be no one to love or to be loved by. That will be my true loneliness. I will walk on the streets and feel the cold and cry inside. Will look at people and long for what they so easily have. And I will starve for just a sliver of love. That will be the last moment, at least as this me that I know of. I’ll be at the very precipice of abyss.
A dream of blood and love
Post the morning fucking craziness of the five local worship houses which shout at the top of their voice and don’t let people sleep from 4 am to 6.30 am, I felt the urge to sleep and relaxed in my warm bed. I totally believed that I wouldn’t get any sleep nevertheless. I continued thinking about my girl where I had left off and was transported straight to the land of my dreams..I got down from a car, expensive and luxurious, with my friend and went to a party. We lost track of time and went somewhere to rest when we saw it. People cut into small geometrical shapes were all over. We waded through it, perhaps calling out to others. Everyone was there. And still some feeling of warmth remained. My friend was with me, probably that’s why. I was looking into her face, trying to find her but I couldn’t see her well. I searched hard but the harder I tried the lesser she was there. After sometime I noticed she was not there at all. Goodbyes were being said. We had to leave. I had to leave. I felt hesitation, shy shuffling of feet and then I was graciously let go. This time a familiar loneliness hit me again with the cold air of the dark night. I woke up and realized the feeling was real. My partner is far away and she is getting further away. I feel the distance increasing and I want to pull her close. Don’t know how to do it and feel the sharpness of pain again. Why the fuck am I going in circles?
quiteblue 